When you get into law school, from the very first day of orientation, there's one trait they tell you over and over to avoid developing at all costs. They say that law school brings out the leftover middle school child in everyone. At the end of the day, they warned, we were just going to want to fit in. We were going to want to make friends and do what everyone else was doing for fear of being left out. I scoffed because, well, that was what everyone else was doing, but in reality, I knew that I was going to fall into that trap. Because that's always been me.
I don't know if I was that way all along or if some missteps kind of formed these habits but I am constantly comparing myself to other people. I'm always feeling left out. I want to know what everyone else is doing so that I can be there with them. I don't want to be the one who doesn't get the joke or didn't get invited to the party. And that just doesn't work. It is exhausting to be like this. The truth is, I think, that no one is going to feel like they belong everywhere, all the time. Sometimes we're going to feel like the black sheep. Just because one place isn't for us doesn't mean the world isn't for us.
So this will be my project until 2013. And, because it's what I do, I've pulled up some inspirational quotes courtesy of Pinterest.
"The beast got so tiresome, I just went out the window."
And that, my friends, is how the last hour went. I was on a roll with my legal memo, and I was proud of the way it was turning out. I took a quick break, came back, and realized I had no idea how to structure the thing. It was as if it had suddenly started speaking Russian, and I was speaking third-grade English. We just weren't clicking. I tried to make it work, but the longer I tried, the more I realized I was making things worse. So, I dashed it off, and went right on home. Because sometimes, that's all you can do.
I've always been one of those people who physically manifests stress. Usually, I end up getting sick but I've been keeping a regular sleeping schedule and have been taking vitamins so luckily, I've dodged that bullet so far. Unfortunately, my stress is showing up in different ways. I'm a horrible tooth grinder. It is HORRIBLE. It hurts. It makes my dentist yell at me, which in turn makes me sad. But I just can't help it. To save my molars, I've been eating baby carrots. I won't even tell you how many bags I've been through because it is that obscene. Carrots and almonds. Being inadvertently healthy.
I've also read online that petting a purring cat lowers stress levels. Considering the fact that I basically live with this guy on my shoulder, I can't imagine how stressed I would feel without him. Yay law school fall?
I know a little while ago, I mentioned that law school is kind of like one giant snowball effect. This was not a correct assertion. 'Snowball' implies that something small gets bigger and bigger as it rolls downhill, and that you can actually see it growing in size. See:
Law school is actually more like an avalanche. A tiny snowflake might fall on your nose and the next thing you know, you are under a mountain of snow. Never saw it coming.
I can't think of a more adequate description for October. A month ago, I was actually ahead in readings and getting 8 hours of sleep a night. Now, I can read for ten hours a day and barely have prepared enough for the next few days. There are memos and papers due every week (well, this past week and the next 2), and the time for outlining and studying for finals has arrived. Pro: the weeks are flying by, so hopefully, it'll be Christmas in no time. Con: I will be a shallow shell of a human being by Thanksgiving.